My Jack Benny Year Begins

This is it.  39. 


THIRTY NINE. 


XXXIX

And, even when I say it, many will assume I'm lying.  So, why not go big? 

In this age of drive-thru cosmetic surgery; Botox, lipposuction, and laser resurfacing, traditional lines of aging have been blurred (nay, laser blasted away).   How the heck are you supposed to know who is what age anyway?   So, where is there advantage in saying you are young, much less - younger then you actually are??  

Say whaaaaat??!!?? 

The common denominator for aging has been sooo pushed back, it just doesn't pay to dumb down your age these days.  If little girls are going in for bikini waxes, boob and nose jobs, and kids - yes KIDS in their 20s are getting BOTOX, it's just not safe for those of us untouched by a scalpel to go about stating our real ages.  Yeah, right.  Who's to believe us anyway? 

So, from now on - I'm taking an entirely new tack.  I'm taking my cues from Molly Shannon,  you remember Sally O'Mally from Saturday Night Live.

I'm FIFTY .  . . . . FIFTY YEARS OLD!

"Yeah, I've had some work done.  No, sorry I can't give out the name of my surgeon, he's not taking any more new patients." 

This should be in the realm of believability,  +11 years.    Hmmmm?    

How about - 11??? 

No, nevermind. 

~Daria Gray :-)~




Ringing in the sheeves and gathering up the cheese.

Ahhh, the great songs of the 60s, 70s, and 80s . . . when songs were songs with lyrics that you can really get your teeth into. . .and singers sang with cotton in their mouths.  

So, on this late summer day I'm humming along to one oldie but goodie. 

Your everlasting summer you can see it fading fast,
So you grab a piece of something that you think is gonna last.
Well, you wouldn't know a diamond if you held it in your hand,
The things you think are precious, I can't understand.

Then comes the chorus:

Are you eeling in the eaves?
Sowing way the time
Are you gathering up the cheese
Have you had enough of mine?
(and again!)

What is the name of this song?? It's in that chorus, isn't it?? What was that?  And what were these guys thinking? no. not thinking. . . nevermind, it was the 70s . . .  Were they singing after dental surgery or something?

You've been tellin' me you're a genius since you were seventeen,
In all the time I've known you I still don't know what you mean,
The weekend at the college didn't turn out like you planned,
The things that pass for knowledge, I can't understand.

Can't understand?? Can't understand? Maybe that's what this song should be called!  No, it's something in this chorus. 

Are you ringing in the sheeves?
Stowin' way the rhyme
Are you gatherin up the tease
Have you had enough of mine?

Eves? Sheeves? Cheese?  Tease?  Really. Well, apparently one guy in the band is able to talk. You hear him, his voice sings out rather clearly.

I spend a lot of money and I spend a lot of time,
The trip we made in Hollywood is etched upon my mind.
After all the things we've done and seen, you find another man,
The things you think are useless, I can't understand.

There's that problem understanding problem again!!! Is that it??? That's why she left him!!! If they're useless, why bother understanding them???

Are you steeling way the cheese?
Stowin' way the rhind
Are you gatherin up the wheel
Have you had enough of mine?



Cheese, I just love Cheese!  Realllly I do!

That's An Awfully Nice Mosque, You've Got There...

I've been thinking, why doesn't New York handle this Mosque thing in good old New York fashion?

Donald Trump seems to have the idea.   Buy them out!      Oh noooo!   That was an insult!! 

Now,  it appears that these guys wouldn't know a good deal if William Shatner came up and smacked them in the head. 

============================================

Dear Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf:

What are you thinking????  

Alright, go ahead, build your mosque!  I'm sure you'll have a grand old time getting change permits done in NYC.   Hope you have some deep pockets, because dealing with building anything in NY means you're going to have to grease a lot of palms. 

Those same angry people, the ones you are ignoring right now . . .  Those are the same ones who you are going to be dealing with later.  You know,  when you go down to get the various permits you will need to complete your building, including your fire permits!   

Don't forget the Unions.  You think that the Unions are going to work well with you??  Have you watched the Sopranos??  Really, you shouldn't take it too personally, but yes, this time you can. 

I remember all the talk of rebuilding at ground zero, and thinking.  Ohhhhh boy, this is never going to get done -- building by committee in NEW YORK!!    But, what you have is a committee committed to you not building.  And these people are NEW YORKERS!!! 

Don't bet on being around to see it  finished.

Yeah, go ahead.  Have fun with your new building.  Much like I felt with  Preacher Joe Blow and his pile of Korans, I felt he had every right to do what he proposed to do, but really?!?

As many of my friends can attest to - I can never be accused of not loving muslims!  But, I'm an ecumenical gal -  I embrace men of all faiths.  However, in this instance, I must stand with the survivors, as I kneel with everyone else in rememberance.

Marketing Mohammad

Ok, lets face it.  The Muslims have a PR problem. 

After a few bad apples went and messed up New York's financial district, they decided that what the neighborhood could really use is a brand new mosque!  

Nice try.

Lacking Christianity's great marketing devices; baby Jesus, Santa Clause (yes, ol' St. Nick is christian), and the Easter bunny (balances that whole cross thing), you would think that the Islamic world would come up with something . . .  something really good to pick up that slack.

Their PR campaign has made some headway -- yes. Well, they haven't been rounded up and put into camps yet!   I'm sure you'll find some Japanese and Germans who are still peeved about that one. 

However, this Mosque thing is just not going over big in the Big Apple, or anywhere else for that matter.  What they must learn is that 9/11 turned New Yorkers into provincial southerners, so to speak.  The Mason Dixon line just got moved to somewhere around 155th street.  

Thankfully, the Islamic world is being given a PR break. 

Deepak Chopra has come to the rescue!!!   Yes, doctor, author, new age medicine guru and F.O.O. [Friend Of Oprah]

He's written a new book!   A book about Islam.  A book about Muhammad!!!   Perfect marketing opportunity!!!

Now, if only no one puts out a Fatwah on him for doing it!

Do You Suffer from Electial Dysfunction?

Having a hard time getting numbers up at the polls?

Did your big election party night go bust?

Try New

DENYAGRA*

Deny, deny, deny throse problems away!  

Go through life like they never happened! 

Create all new problems!

*formerly known as pisco

I See Dead People (on my Facebook page!)

Ohhhhhh!!!   What to do?  What to do?

Just what is the protocol for keeping dead people on your Facebook page??? 

So, you "friend" the ill and dying, and then just sometimes the unexpected happens.  So, there you are, left with dead people on your Facebook page.  Sometimes some amazingly active dead people, but dead, just the same. 

Often, these are people I barely knew.  Never even met.  Friends of friends.   You know how it is.

The upside is, of course, that they up my friend count.  But am I that shallow?  Do I need dead people to prop me up? 

Or, am I so shallow as to de-friend someone just because they are dead???   

But, come on, it's just a bit of a downer! Each time I review my friend list there they are, reminding me that they are dead. 

Should I take this into account next time I choose to friend someone?   How likely is this person to die in the next several years?  Should I check actuarial tables? That might avoid the later hassles.

No, no, no, no. NO!

So, I'm stuck with this quandery. 

To de-friend, or not to de-friend, that is the question.
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
Seeing dead people give periodic updates on their "life"
Or to take arms against a sea of crazyness
And by opposing end them. To de-friend, them--
No more--and by de-friend to say we end
The heartache, and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to.


Medium @ Large

Thank You for Not Farting

Psst!   Hey!  All you No-Smoking types!   (This includes me)  I think I've stumbled on to a reason why your campaigns aren't working!!!   

No, it's not  because smokers can't quit/don't want to quit. 

They might stop smoking, but they want another excuse to leave the room!!!

Sure, a patch or a piece of gum might sooth their craving, but it doesn't excuse them from the room at those akward times when a person just wants to get the hell out of an uncomfortable social situation.   Today, there's nothing like excusing oneself for a cigarette break for that.   This is where the anti-smoking crowd needs to find an alternative! 

Smokers don't just need nicotine. They need an escape!!!!

At a family gathering and just can't stand to hear another argument or lecture?   The smoker needs to be given options to get out of the room.  Here are a few I've thought of:

"Excuse me, I have this thing up my nose, does anyone have a kleenex?"

"I'm on strict orders from my dentist to floss after every meal."

"I really must go out for some air,

But, of course these excuses can only be used so many times.  So, I call on the non-smoking groups; the American Lung Association, the American Cancer Society, the FDA, CDC, and any other interested party --  A new annoying habit must be created!!!   


Oh, I believe I have the vapors!!